John Lemon's Barrel of Fish

Posterboy for the whining conservative academic set. Candidate for troll of the week.





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Friday, June 27, 2003

 
PRARIE HOME DELUSION

Apparently Garrison Keilor thinks everyone in the media is a Republican. Now I will admit that I am the first one to laugh at myself and make fun of my political party, but I just get the feeling that he doesn't think this is a joke. The bit isn't even funny if you're a Democrat.

posted by John at 2:03 PM

 
POTENTIALLY BAD PARENTING DECISION

As parents, sometimes we make mistakes. Take last night for example.

My 3-year old son is at the stage where he won't listen to his parents' words of wisdom. He has to discover things for himself. One of his favorite activities is standing about 2 feet in front of somebody swinging a bat (he just always seems to wander over in that direction to watch), or walk in front of a child swinging on a swingset. We keep informing him that this is a bad idea, but to no avail.

So, last night we decided that having him visualize the consequences was a better way than discussing the abstract results of what could happen from his actions.* We had him in the swing at the park with Mom pushing. Dad walked in front of the swing and got hit by his feet. I fell to the ground screaming. Having lived in Southern California, I had some fake studio blood in one of those burst packets and popped it revealing a red stain on my (old) shirt. I then wiggled a little bit and fell still. We had two friends dressed in white lab coats come and take me off in a stretcher.

Apparently, a three year old can't see the humor in all of this.


* To date, he has not suffered any major damage from either of his two favorite outdoor pasttimes. However, his Daddy -- who shall remain nameless -- did hit him with a wiffle ball in the cheek when we were playing baseball. He was pitching and I hit a line drive his way, which was about 5 feet away since he can't throw that far. He stopped, looked at me, and said "ow." He then picked up the ball and said, "do dat again."

UPDATE (June 29, 2003): Mrs. Lemon kind of freaked out by this post. Bryan at Arguing With Signposts picked up on the Handy-esque influence here, and lest anyone call Child Protective Services on me, please know that this is part of my twisted sense of humor that will be making regular appearances on this blog.

posted by John at 1:54 PM

 
CAN YOU BELIEVE...

that I've blogged through an entire war...and then some? My, how time flies.

posted by John at 1:44 PM

 
HIGH-DIVING PLATFORM

OK, so if I'm going to run for office, I need a platform. While it may be worthwhile to start at local dogcatcher (wherein my campaign slogan would be "I'll catch more dogs, unless you don't want me to"), I nonetheless like to think big. Here is what I would do if I were president (additional suggestions welcomed):

1) Outlaw Prarie Home Companion on NPR. (If Gebhart -- Streisand spelling -- can overturn Supreme Court rulings, I surely could criminalize Garrison Keilor.*)

2) Move the White House to Poipu Beach, Kauai. I really promise that I would be more productive there.

3) Provide free senior citizens for prescription drugs. We often think about seniors going without prescription drugs, but rarely do we think about what happens to pills that are produced that don't get used. So that none go to waste, I would find some senior citizens to take all those surplus medicines.

4) Balance my checkbook. Hey, you gotta start somewhere.

5) Restage the Invasion of Normandy, that way we'd get two votes on the UN Security Council.

6) Guarantee that my Mileage Plus Premiere status doesn't expire. I came up about 2,000 miles short this year as I didn't travel around as much last year. (I need more of you folks to invite me to your university to speak!)

7) Take hold of our future so our future doesn't take hold of us.

* Garrison Kielor is possibly the least funny person alive. If anybody wants to defend this man, or admit to listening to his insipid little show, be my guest. If any of you want proof of how superhumanly funny some people think Mr. Keilor is, look here.

posted by John at 1:36 PM

Thursday, June 26, 2003

 
WRONG

Bob Herbert, in his NY Times column today, makes a specious statement that a tuition hike at CUNY is a tax increase.

"For the students at CUNY, who have traditionally come from poorer backgrounds, a tuition hike — in this case $800 a year — is the equivalent of a tax increase. And it can be devastating."

This is wrong. A tuition hike at a public institution is more akin to the reduction of a previoiusly-held subsidy. Yes, you pay more out of pocket expense, but you are paying for a good which others have been paying for you. Otherwise, if it were at a private institution, it is simply an increase in the price of a good. (The price of the public institution's good can also increase, but I know of no public institution of higher education that is not partially subsidized by taxpayers, hence I think a tuition increase represents an internalization of the cost of the benefit a student receives from their education.)

posted by John at 10:51 PM

 
LEMOMETER

Today's Reading: Jesus Jones (played at the Rotary Club as part of my presentation) and the Monkees. I loved the Monkees and Head was a very cool film. I need to get it on DVD as it is one I would watch over and over again.

Sugar Free Lemon Aid: Not doing too bad, though a bit of a slip. I didn't eat too well today since I was really, really tired and didn't get to the gym -- two things very bad in combination.

posted by John at 10:17 PM

 
OH MY GOD

I just perused the most recent Supreme Court ruling and found myself quite confused. I finallly decided to look up the definition of "sodomy" that they were using and found out that it had nothing to do with laying down tracts of pre-grown grass. Oh, my God. You wouldn't believe what it actually refers to. But the funny thing is that someone told me we once had a president who engaged in one of the sodomous activities in the Oval Office. That's just way too far-fetched for me.

posted by John at 10:13 PM

 
REALIZE THIS

Over the next few weeks, whoever you are, wherever you are, realize that my team will be kicking your team's ass, big time.

posted by John at 9:53 PM

 
BACK IN ACTION

After a day when Blogger tried to make life easier for me by making it impossible to post, I'm back. I was hoping that the Blogger would make the site better, but it is just different. I will admit though that over the past month, the site has been down significantly less.

posted by John at 9:52 PM

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

 
CARNIES RULE

No, not Carnie Wilson, but rather Carnival Time. Your favorite Lemonhead makes an appearance on the 40th Carnival of the Vanities. If you are new to the site, welcome and please feel free to blogroll me.

posted by John at 9:33 PM

 
X MARKS THE POX
(Repost for the Carnival)

Being the hypochondriac I am, I wanted to avoid learning about Monkeypox so I wouldn't contract it. Well, I finally broke down and decided to do a bit of research, feeling safe given that I don't hang around with monkeys. Here is what I learned:

1) Monkeypox does not come from monkeys. Huh?
2) Monkeypox comes from gophers (or something that looks like gophers). Huh?
3) Gophers get monkeypox from Gambian giant rats. I'm still not sure where the monkeys come in to all of this.
4) There have 12 monkeypox cases (click this link and tell me if this isn't a eerie coincidence) reported to date, in Wisconsin, Illinois and Indiana. Not sure how Gambian rats got there, or why its not called Gambianratpox.

So now I'm worried. I know what monkeys look like, and I've vowed to stay away from Chuck E. Cheese's "Whack-A-Mole" games until this is all cleared up, and I cancelled my trip to Gambia (at least the rat infested part). Still, I wanted to find out how this stuff can be passed to humans so I can further modify my behavior. Here is what Fox News reports (damnit -- that means I must decide.):

Davis said the animals appear to be infecting people through bites or when people touch discharges from the prairie dogs and then rub their eyes or noses.

Now think hard. What this means is that there are at least 12 people who in the last week or so have been bitten by a gopher or rubbed their eyes with gopher pus. How does one get bitten by a gopher?! Why would one want to rub themselves in monkey pus. Well, apparently people buy biting gophers at pet stores. What delightful pets! And this means that at least 12 people have purchased gophers in the past week or so. This is just insane. What the hell are people buying gophers for? Didn't they hear we are in a recession and we can't afford luxuries like gophers?! Do food stamps cover gopher purchases? And I still can't figure out why people would want to rub themselves with gopher pus.

Now we find out that people can spread monkeypox, and there has been one case of that reported of this mode of transmission. But you can't get monkeypox by sitting next to someone on a bus, which doesn't help me since I don't take the bus. Perhaps I will start taking the bus because it appears as if this may be one of the few places you cannot get monkeypox. Does a monkeypox victim have to bite you? Is this like Dawn of the Dead?

I am really, really freaking out about this. At least if I contract it, I will be able to get a job at a local fast food joint (see picture on FoxNews website. I'll link it; you decide...OK?)

posted by John at 9:32 PM

 
LEMOMETER AND LEMON AID

Today's Reading: Voodoo Dogs

Lemon Aid: Made it through 1 full day with no sugar. Half way through the next. Send your support folks! I've done this before and can do it again.

posted by John at 11:49 AM

 
LONG HOT SUMMER*

A very insightful set of posts at Common Sense & Wonder on global warming. Click here and here.

* Style Council song.

posted by John at 10:37 AM

 
LIES, LIES AND DAMNED WARS

A rather amusing post from the good folk at IMAO.

posted by John at 10:32 AM

Monday, June 23, 2003

 
IF THIS IS THE CENTER...

you gotta wonder how far left the left is.

posted by John at 8:29 PM

 
LEMOMETER

Today's reading: Revueltas, Noche de los Mayas

Also, it is a bit after 3 pm here and I'm still sugar free. Yeah! (Froot Loops don't count, right?)

posted by John at 3:17 PM

Sunday, June 22, 2003

 
BATMAN AND OTHER HERESIES

I've caught some flak today from some of the commentators at Lee's Right-Thinking. Basically, I said that I liked the Hulk (most people seemed to), but what got me into hot water was my high rankings of the first three (modern) Batman movies, most notably the third installment Batman Forever. To remind you, that was the one with the Riddler and Two-Face. I also generated much consternation with my critique of the first X-Men movie, which I found incredibly boring. (I never was a big X-Men fan.) Well, here's something else to stir up controversy. I think Pierce Brosnan has been the best James Bond to date, and that the Bond series has consistently gotten better with the brief exception of the Dalton era. I also liked the movie version of The Avengers alot and am pissed it didn't do well since I thought it would have been a great movie series. The Avengers movie was true to the TV series in that it was very minimalist (notice there are never any "extras" in The Avengers) and it dipped into the eccentric, if not absurd, quite frequently.

posted by John at 10:21 PM

 
TOUGH BEDTIME

This may have been one of the toughest nights of putting our son to bed. Mrs. Lemon did a great job, but it took alot of emotional energy. For that reason, I won't be blogging tonight. Too tired. I wanted to talk about Lee Bolinger's WSJ editorial in light of "whiteness studies," but will get to that tomorrow.

I did get to relax to a bit of The Avengers on DVD. That series never will go out of style. I watched two Tara King episodes tonight. Both well done.

posted by John at 10:15 PM

 
LEMON AID REDUX

Unless Reese's Sticks are made with only soy protein, I think I will have to start my sugar free days tomorrow. Sigh.

posted by John at 7:52 PM

 
SUGAR FREE LEMON AID

Okay folks. I need your help. I'm a sugar junkie. I'll admit it. I feel much better when I eat protein, but I'm a sucker for all things sweet. So, to keep me off the processed sugars, I am asking all of you to help keep me fit and trim. My goal is to be sugar free for the next 20 days. I will check in regularly and tell you of my progress. I need your support here, and if need be your wrenching humiliation with respect to what a fat pig I am.

One thing to note: Skittles, Dreyer's ice cream, raw cookie dough, and Krispy Kreme donuts do NOT count as processed sugars. And beer doesn't have sugar. Definitely no sugar there.

LEMOMETER

Today's reading: Still more Sky Cries Mary.

posted by John at 5:21 PM

 

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