John Lemon's Barrel of Fish

Posterboy for the whining conservative academic set. Candidate for troll of the week.


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Friday, July 04, 2003


This has been a growing problem for years, despite some people I know who adamantly refuse to believe there is any problem with the tort system -- indeed, it may be a way to enhance social justice. I'm wondering if we can sue the lawsuit industry because actions such as these that are part of the reason kids are getting fat.

posted by John at 11:26 PM

Thursday, July 03, 2003


Only in this country could one get something this cool.

posted by John at 11:27 PM


...from myself and this guy -- a pretty classy team, if I say so myself.

posted by John at 10:54 PM


Can you believe this? Mrs. Lemon signed me up to be an assistant T-Ball coach for 3-year olds. Last week, on the first day of practice, I got a call informing me that I was now an assistant coach. Surprise! And the haed coach showed up 10 minutes late for practice. Today, the head coach didn't show up and all, and the other assistant coach showed up 15 minutes late, and it was his first showing. All this has convinced me that I never want to run a daycare. But then again, most of you know basically nothing about me, so I guess you could believe it.

And anyone with any good T-Ball drills for 3-year olds, please send advice.

posted by John at 10:46 PM


I don't know what to make of this, but after seeing this (and in particular this and this), methinks I should be homeless more often.

And after seeing this, methinks they should have bought Bud Light.

posted by John at 10:38 PM

Wednesday, July 02, 2003


Today's reading: No, not Eminem (see below...and, while I acknowledge that he is more conservative than one might think, I agree more with Nick. Sorry Beth.) The Polyphonic Spree and Mermen. A rather peaceful, pyschedellic day. Don't harsh my mellow.

Sugar Free Update. So for so

posted by John at 12:58 PM

Tuesday, July 01, 2003


A Nobel Laureate poet has just praised the poetic talents of Marshall Mathers (a.k.a. Eminem). Seamus Heaney was quoted as saying, “There is this guy Eminem. He has created a sense of what is possible. He has sent a voltage around a generation. He has done this not just through his subversive attitude but also his verbal energy.”

Excuse me, but I slept through most of my undergraduate literature courses. But how does one "create a sense of what is possible"?

Let's take a look at some of this verbal energy.

Sometimes, I wanna get on TV and just let loose, but can't
but it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose
"My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips"
And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little kiss
And that's the message that we deliver to little kids
And expect them not to know what a woman's clitoris is
Of course they gonna know what intercourse is
By the time they hit fourth grade
They got the Discovery Channel don't they?
"We ain't nothing but mammals.." Well, some of us cannibals
who cut other people open like cantaloupes {*SLURP*}
But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes
then there's no reason that a man and another man can't elope
{*EWWW!*} But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote
Women wave your pantyhose.

I guess Nobel Laureates have high standards.

posted by John at 9:42 PM

Monday, June 30, 2003


Folks, I will be blogging lightly this week as I absolutely must finish off two tasks. Today was absolutely unproductive as Mrs. Lemon and I took Lemonhead Jr. in for early morning outpatient surgery (nothing serious...just replacing a lost eyeball) and the entire Lemonhead family was a wee bit tired today. Suffice it to say that I did not do too well on Sugar Free Lemon Aid. And no mood music update today either as I was too tired to have a mood. If you haven't read any posts from the last few days though, I do recommend it as I did have a blogburst. And stay tuned for an important announcement by week's end.

posted by John at 8:24 PM


As Joel Best argued in his book, activists sometimes overestimate problems that are hard to measure. Best calls this the "dark figure." Homelessness is a classic example of this. Here is a recent article from an apparently small-town newspaper in Pennsylvania.

Homeless people in Franklin County aren't as visible as those in more urban areas. Instead of sleeping on streets they sleep in abandoned barns and sheds. Because they aren't seen, people conclude there is no homelessness problem in the county, said David Nemitz, program director at Franklin County Shelter for the Homeless.

Let's change this last sentence. "Because they aren't seen, activists conclude there is a huge homelessness problem in the county...." Nowhere does the article site hard evidence (other than buestimates) about the size of the homeless problem and the journalist takes it as a given that it is a huge problem.

Here is another gem:

"Homelessness comes from many perspectives," Nemitz said.

What the hell does that mean? It seems as this is a statement by somebody who learned some jargonese in a sophomore sociology class and now parrots what he remembers instead of actually thinking. Sigh.

posted by John at 6:34 PM


Who'duv thunk it. The Kennedy clan has problems with relationships.

posted by John at 6:21 PM


I am trying to convince Mrs. Lemon that the recent Lawrence decision handed down by the Supreme Court permits me to walk around the house in my boxers, scratching my ass and belching alot.

posted by John at 1:08 PM


Check out the lead photo in this article. What do you think is more distracting -- talking on the cellphone, or having someone in the back seat taking pictures of you for a news story?

posted by John at 10:56 AM


An interesting letter to the editor in today's Wall Street Journal (not linked since it is a pay site). Michael McClellan, secretary of the Alexander Hamilton Historical Society (which does not seem to have a website), claims to be a Republican and is not a fan of Gray Davis, but nonetheless opposes the recall effort. He makes a good point summarized here:

As currently constructed in the California Constitution, a recall petition requires an absurdly small number of signatures, equivalent to only 12% of voters in the previous election for the office in question. ...Virtually any executive figure, and in particular a strong one, will always be detested by more than 12% of the electorate. Accordingly, the recall provision effectively allows a small, but well-organized and well-funded interest group to force any future sitting governor to defend himself at the polls in a non-election year.

This would obviously be a major distraction and be financially deleterious, as campaigns have high "deadweight costs" for the economy. Considering the escalation of class-action lawsuits aimed at every "bad thing" in society, I can see how we are in a developing culture that may encourage this "defeat the political opponent at all costs" approach.

However, I do think that such recall efforts would be pretty rare. Getting 900,000 signatures is a pretty difficult task no matter how well-funded a group might be. And I suspect that in most political environments there is not a critical mass of 12% who would want to rerun elections over and over and over again. Most sane people see this as a futile and socially exhaustive task, no matter how much a small segment of the population hates a politician. It could also backfire on these groups in that a recall against a popular figure would serve to discredit the ideological group pursuing the recall. So, in total, I think such recalls will be rare. Gray Davis is just such a remarkably incompetent and slimy individual who has made major blunders that this recall seems justified to me.

That said, I still think it may be politically dangerous for Republicans. California is a big mess now, and the next governor will be pushing a two ton rock up a hill by himself/herself. It is almost a setup for failure and a one-term governorship. Arnie would be a good GOP candidate for this job on a personal level since he really doesn't have much to lose in terms of a political (or other) career. I doubt that Condi Rice would run; she's much smarter than that. As a party, though, I'm not sure the GOP would do well by winning the governorship now (this is a political calculation -- I would prefer GOP policies over non-GOP policies in general, though).

I love California and want to retire there. But they need to clean up there mess before I seriously reconsider my retirement plan and buy property there (which we almost did recently). I actually hope the recall effort fails and Gray Davis will have to pay the cost in two more years.

posted by John at 10:54 AM


Because voting is often time too difficult for me, and gives me a big headache, I took the quiz that weighed all the issues according to my preferences and ranked my presidential candidates. Here are my results:

1. Bush, George W. - US President (100%) Click here for info
2. Libertarian Candidate (66%) Click here for info
3. Gephardt, Cong. Dick, MO - Democrat (43%) Click here for info
4. Phillips, Howard - Constitution (42%) Click here for info
5. Kerry, Senator John, MA - Democrat (40%) Click here for info
6. Edwards, Senator John, NC - Democrat (39%) Click here for info
7. Lieberman Senator Joe CT - Democrat (37%) Click here for info
8. Graham, Senator Bob, FL - Democrat (26%) Click here for info
9. Kucinich, Cong. Dennis, OH - Democrat (26%) Click here for info
10. Dean, Gov. Howard, VT - Democrat (18%) Click here for info
11. Sharpton, Reverend Al - Democrat (9%) Click here for info
12. Moseley-Braun, Former Senator Carol IL - Democrat (9%) Click here for info
13. LaRouche, Lyndon H. Jr. - Democrat (-7%) Click here for info

Hat tip: Common Sense & Wonder.

posted by John at 10:28 AM

Sunday, June 29, 2003


I've been blogging alot tonight and I don't want you to miss any, so scroll down. Yeah, I'm the lazy one for not moving yet, but there's some good material here including:

* Call Me (Telemarketers and Blondie)
* Lemometer (Still about sex and sugar)
* Hanging Around (A liberated man's endorsement)
* Potty Time (Two true tantalizing tales)
* The Government Must React (An age old concern)
* Free Markets Will Prevail (serious post)
* No Time (one of my favorite shows)
* Sodomy Defined (It ain't about grass)
* Prarie Home Delusion (If Dean wins in '04, this is all we'll ever hear)
* Potentially Bad Parenting (A "Jack Handy-like" tale)
* High-Diving Platform (What the world will look like in 2012)

posted by John at 11:52 PM


Lots of folks seem to be interested in getting on the "no call list," including Mrs. Lemon. Well, I put a Kabosh on that and she tells me that she will not finalize the process. Being inspired by Jim Florentine as of late, and being a crank yanker in my days of youth, I absolutely relish the opportunity to chat with a phone marketer. I have been "turned on" by telemarketers, gone to the bathroom, had them sing songs for me, sang songs to them, gave them play-by-play of basketball games, and did my Emily Latella impressions.

posted by John at 11:45 PM


This weekend's reading: mostly Sex Pistols, with a bit of Rolling Stones.

As for Sugar Free Lemon Aid... let's just start over on Monday, shall we? And I need support from you people. Keep bugging me. And sending Krispy Kremes is not what I mean by support.

posted by John at 11:29 PM


Mrs. Lemon is a liberated woman. For those of you who are not steeped in feminist theory, that means I do the laundry. As such, I am very sensitive to new product innovations that make my daily chores so much easier. I would like to recommend Hanga Danga -- these things are truly great. I'm serious folks.

posted by John at 11:27 PM


For those of you with kids, you will find this quite funny. Let it be known that my son is fully potty-trained now -- both #1 and #2! Yeah!! Many of you won't think that's a big deal, but many of you don't have kids. Now to two real-life potty stories.

First, when my son was potty training, I would take him in to the men's room at local malls or restaurants. They usually had a urinal that was kids' height, but still didn't extend to the ground -- i.e., it was a "bowl" that was suspended about a foot or so off the floor. My son still didn't have a firm grasp of how to pull up his pants efficiently. Instead of bending his knees and crouching a bit, he simply bent at the waist as if he were doing toe touches. This led him to "bonk" his head three times in a row on the urinal. It was a horrible experience, but in retrospect it was enormously funny.

Second, just about a week ago, I took my son to go potty at the local upscale shopping mall. I like this mall because the men's rooms are always clean and smell fresh... and for good reason -- they have good urinal sanitation. Well, since my son is good at uninating on his own now I decided to join him in a pee at the next urinal over. Hence, I was preoccupied and not in a position to move fast -- guys will understand this. All of a sudden my son asked, "Daddy, what's that pink thing?" I instinctively told him the correct answer. "It's a urinal cake." That was not a smart response on my part.

(Note: Do not eat urinal cakes as they are poisonous. [That is my public service announcement for the month.] Fortunately, though somewhat immobilized, I do have enough control such that I was able to prevent a truly disastrous result. The son is fine after a 10 minute hand washing.)

posted by John at 11:16 PM


First Strom Thurmond dies at age 100, and then Kate Hepburn. Why isn't the government doing something about this epidemic of old age deaths?! I mean, "think about the children! Who will think about the children?"

(For those of you a bit slow, remember the terrible epidemic of child kidnappings last summer that had the government -- federal, state and local -- scrambling to "do something" about this tragic trend, even though such abductions have been decreasing over time?)

posted by John at 11:05 PM


I had a wonderful weekend with my family and attending two ballgames. I would blog more, but I have to watch this highly recommended show now.

posted by John at 9:34 PM


John Hudock from Common Sense and Wonder posted a comment on my "Oh My God" post below, wherein I revealed what I discovered about the true definition of sodomy. (You see, I thought it had something to do with rolls of grass that are put down on new lawns. Wrong.) John H. wanted to know what the actual definition of sodomy was.

Well, after doing extensive research, I found out that sodomy refers to two different things.

1) The presidential act of counseling interns and Pentagon employees.


2) This or this.

(Linked sites are safe and are PG rated.)

posted by John at 9:25 PM


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