John Lemon's Barrel of Fish

Posterboy for the whining conservative academic set. Candidate for troll of the week.


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Wednesday, July 23, 2003


Please note that I do not pour all my intellectual energies into blogging as I am writing another book and a pile of articles (in addition to doing things to septic tanks that you could only dream of and coaching t-ball). The grammar may suck, the spelling is probably off a bit, and the logic may be fuzzy at times.

posted by John at 11:38 PM


I am now listening to one of the strangest exchanges in talk radio right now. It involves an interview with Erik Roberts (elder brother of Julia) on the Michael Medved show. Apparently Medved called Roberts stupid for claiming that the reason an elderly man crashed into a crowded walkway in Santa Monica was due to Republican budget cuts. (Sidenote: Democrats control Santa Monica city government, L.A. county government and the CA governorship and legislature, so apparently this must be federal level cuts ...though the recent federal budget increased. Hmmmm...)

Anyways, so Erik Roberts came on supposedly to discuss the Santa Monica tragedy, but he started out by reading an endorsement of presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich, which he denied was an endorsement. He then asked that there be no "call-ins" since he tends to stutter in debates. When the debate (about Kucinich and other random topics), Erik Roberts got his wife, and then his mother-in-law, on the phone to help him debate. This is one of the weirdest hours of talk radio I've ever heard ...and I listen to Howard Stern!

posted by John at 1:51 PM

Monday, July 21, 2003


So, Mrs. Lemon was part of a "book club" tonight where apparently you don't need to read the book to participate. It's kind of like most English Lit classes on college campuses. I would guess there was lots of talk about the cover of the book and then a gossip session about who just got botoxed.

Anyways, I was in charge of Lemon Jr. tonight. Since it was 110 degrees outside, I thought drinking milk and running around until we puked would be kind of cool. First one to vomit without resorting to finger purging wins. However, Mrs. Lemon nixed that idea and instead suggested I take the lad to see a movie in an air conditioned theatre. Good idea.

Finding Nemo has already grossed about $300 million, of which we accounted for about $80 million. So, instead of finding that gimpy fish again, I suggested that Lemon Jr. (almost 3 1/2 years) and I buy tickets to the fish movie and then sneak into Bad Boys II. When my son asked why we weren't going into the theatre with the big shark and small clownfish, I told him that they already found Nemo. Being the smart kid he is, he asked, "but what if they don't find him this time?" I simply replied that Nemo would likely end up on a fishwhich at McD's. That didn't work, so I told him that Will Smith and Martin Lawrence were playing the human equivalents of Marlin and Dory and that instead of searching for an orphaned guppy, they were chasing Ecstasy pimps instead. That worked.

Apparently, Bad Boys II -- while a great action film -- is not appropriate for 3 1/2 year olds. I tried to tell him that they were using SuperSoaker water guns and that the red stuff was ketchup. He still seemed a little freaked and kept screaming "its too loud, make it stop." A quick fix to this problem was to keep pumping him with Skittles and Coca-Cola. Good in the short-term, not a very good idea in the long run. The aforementioned "milk run" would have been easier to clean up. I figured by the end of the movie, everything was a blur to him, so it was OK. Plus, he seems pretty desensitized now. Hell, if he can make it through BBII, he probably can handle 28 Days Later.

Overall, I thought BBII was a deep and insightful examination of good and evil and explored the subtleties of unrequited friendship. Plus there was lots of swearing and explosions. (Unfortunately, I think Mrs. Lemon suspects something went afoul with my interpretation of her original orders. Following up on what my son was shouting this evening, I tried telling Mrs. Lemon that Pixar did indeed use the term "motherfucker" in Finding Nemo and that her memory of the movie was a bit skewed, even after 4 viewings.)

In keeping with my obligation to inform you less intellectual folks about the deep meaning hidden in movies, largely revolving around Shakespearean plots, here is my summary of BBII. It is reminiscent of King Lear.

Boys meet Klan.
A shitload of explosions and bullets.
One boy meets girl, we find out in retrospect.
Girl is sister of other boy.
About 95 cars get destroyed on Miami freeway.
Boys meet cadavers filled with drugs.
Boy meets rats.
Russian is taken apart and canned.
Girl is kidnapped to Cuba.
Boys know other boy who has brother in Cuban Underground.
Boys invade Cuba.

If I remember from my English Lit class, there are four things that make a classic story: Plot, Character Development, Hot Babes, Car Crashes. (I'm not sure of the last two as I missed a couple days of class back then and had to rely on Crazy Lenny's notes.) BBII did have at least two of these vital elements, and since 50% can now get you an "A" at Harvard, I say this movie is Oscar material.

posted by John at 10:30 PM


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