Speaking of farm animals, this week's MSNBC.com's Week In Pictures has an adorable picture of a swimming pig. This is now my computer wallpaper.
And as usual, I note that most people tend to prefer uplifting photos over the critics "doom and gloom" pictures. However, the bloody handprints are getting lots of votes, and it is an amazing picture (though I'm thinking it was a staged photo
The following is a true story. Honest to God. While at a shrimp boil and picnic today, I was relaxing on the grass when some young girls came up to me and started shouting "chicken kisses." The thing is that they actually had chickens -- similar to this kind* -- and they put them in my face and the stupid birds started pecking on my forehead. That really freakin' hurts! And you can't yell at the kids because they are somebody else's children and the way parenting is these days other people would freak out if you discipline their offspring (I know from first hand experience). So there I was, getting painful pecks on the forehead.
* By clicking this link, you will know why we have now reached a saturation point on the World Wide Web. Everything that could be on a website, is.
NO CABLE, NO BLOG Sorry for not publishing recently, or for not commenting on other blogs. My cable company decided to cut some fiber optic and deny me service for awhile.
Here is why I do not want to put my name on the national "do not call" list to avoid telemarketers:
I have trained my 3 1/2 year old son to answer the phone with a special greeting when we get a call from an unknown source (looking at caller ID). What is that greeting, you ask?
"Yo, yo, yo... what's up motherfucker?!"
While you may be horrified by such poor parenting skills, once you hear this in a high squeaky voice you will think it is just adorable.
EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED ON SESAME STREET
Remember those really lame "feel good" books that were published roughly two decades ago -- the ones that told you that if you had milk, graham crackers and an afternoon nap you would lead an idyllic life? Well, those came to mind to me this morning while nursing a sick and lethargic child.*
Here are some of the basic lessons you can learn from Sesame Street (please feel free to add your own lessons, as I assume most of the people who read this are part of the SS-Generation):
1) No matter how socially dysfunctional you are, you will always be loved by a group of communitarian muppets.
2) Apparently you don't have to work in order to survive, so long as you have friends. (This lesson seems to hold even when your friends don't appear to have any productive employment.)
3) Downtown city streets are crime free -- so go out an play, enjoy!
4) Even when you are state sponsored and could only imagine the horrors should your public funding be cut, you can make a shitload of money through savvy marketing in the private sphere.
* FYI, The purple coloring they put in grape-flavored medicine can leave delightful patterns on your bedroom carpet.
Assinine commentary aside, there are three things I want to say about Bob Hope (some of which has not been said yet):
1) He was a great dresser; always conservative, yet never out of style.
2) He actually was funny (this coming from somebody who defines funny as this and this).
3) I actually really did like his "Road to..." films with Bing Crosby. It just struck me today that I have seen almost all of these films as a kid and looked forward to them on rainy Saturdays.
(Note: #1 and #3 have not been said yet, to my knowledge, so I'm bringing something new to the table.)
I have been pondering whether or not to ask Mrs. Lemon the BIG question. No, its not a marriage proposal, as that one was asked some 11 years ago. And no, it is not the divorce question since I am quite happy with the past 11 years. The BIG question is this:
Today's reading: The Church - a "new wave" band of the '80s that I used to like on the radio, but after listening to their greatest hits CD now realize they had some of the most moronic lyrics ever written. And by the way, this is not the hint for the post below.
Go figure. I thought there were only five members of the band total, only four of whom were ever in it at any one time. Plus, Strummer is already dead. Hmmmmm... methinks sharia don't like it.
I've visited a couple blogs today and have been informed that Bob Hope is dead. No shit. Why do I need a blog to tell me that. The "Hope story" is so prevalent that I had a messenger from AOL drop by my house this morning and shove a news release up my ass...and I don't even subscribe to AOL.
It is more interesting for me to see a blog bring something new to the table. LIke this. Two years ago, I bet a friend on who would die first -- Bob Hope or rising New Mexico baller Patrick Denehy. Well, I won the bet folks. I'm a freakin' genius.
One of my favorite bands that I've been listening to alot lately -- the Sex Pistols -- is about to embark on a North American tour. Yeah, yeah. They'll fight alot, cancel some shows and no one will show up. Big deal. However, this caught my attention. A reporter asked if Rotten, et al., Ltd., were going to do a show in Baghdad, which Mr. Lydon acknowledged was a goal of the band. He added:
“If you want to give them democracy, do it properly. Give them the Sex Pistols. Wake up, America.”
Well said.
Lemometer: Sex Pistols, Flaming Lips. Doing well on the sugar free thing.
Here is the first sentence from an MSNBC piece on crime and punishment. See if you can guess what is wrong with it. Here's a hint -- it deals with issues of causality and I highlighted it for you.
"America’s prison population grew again in 2002 despite a declining crime rate, costing the federal government and states an estimated $40 billion a year at a time of rampant budget shortfalls." (emphasis added)
Also, might it be possible that locking up bad guys (and gals) is actually a net positive for the economy? Don't these people realize that car theft, burglary, murder and rape lower our standard of living? That's a cost, kids. Is the implication here that in times of economic trouble we should just let criminals run free? Damnit, these journalists are stupid.
P.S. I taught my 3-year old son to sing the "Bad Boys" song. Mrs. Lemon is not too happy with this development.
Sounds like the US nabbed the Purple Teletubby rather than the two horrendous monsters they actually did nail. Read this interesting story from Newsweek, particularly this paragraph:
"And what did Uday Hussein carry to the fight? After a hot and noisy siege last week, American soldiers found, in the rubble near his body, his briefcase. The contents, NEWSWEEK has learned, included painkillers, numerous bottles of cologne, Viagra, unopened packages of men’s underwear, dress shirts, a silk tie and a single condom. Uday and his brother, Qusay, also had with them a huge stash of cash, as well as, for some reason, two ladies’ purses."
